Ups & Downs and Everything in Between...

     This month has been full of milestones and anniversaries... Some have been joyful, others have brought sorrow and some have been a "mixed bag".

     March 2nd was the 1 year anniversary of my brother's death. He would have been 39. I knew it was coming but not what to expect. As it turns out it was a "mixed bag" occasion. I woke that morning feeling optimistic and determined to "make it a great day", as Josiah used to say on his answering machine...
Then I made the mistake of attempting to meditate (which normally is a good thing) and my mind seemed determined to relive that day, one year ago, when he took his last breath on this earth. Josiah's death was painful to live through and painful to relive and once I realized my meditation had gone horribly off course it was too late to salvage my thoughts. I retreated to my bed, where I stayed for several hours... unable to face the reality of life without him in it.
     There I lay, sleeping on and off, for the better part of the day, until my sweet husband and my youngest son, brought me "breakfast" in bed.
     Well, who can stay sad when staring into two sets of blue eyes, presenting you with their love on a china plate!
     Later that day my family members, scattered across the US, as well as several of Josiah's friends, lit candles at 6:28pm, sunset, and shared texts and pics, filled with messages of love for each other; all remembering Josiah together and in doing so, strengthening our bonds with each other. It was the first time I have seen my 13 year old cry for his uncle, whom he was very close to and whom he prayed for, daily, for many years... it was a sweet, sad, love filled memorial...

     March 10th was another "mixed bag" occasion. My youngest step-daughter turned 18! Yes, I know, birthdays should be happy days but any mom (or step-mom) will tell you, the birthdays of our children are definitely "mixed bag" days!
     She was only 3 years old when I met her. Tiny. Sweet. Funny. Articulate. Adorable! I loved her immediately, without reservation! It wasn't hard! She made it easy. Picture a tiny blue eyed cherub, pig-tails bouncing, presenting you with a little wildflower, and announcing: "This is so you can marry Daddy!". Yes, it was easy to love her!
     But life as a step-mom was never easy. So many challenges... so many heartaches... We were close until the year she turned 13. Then everything changed and has never been the same. I don't know if we will ever be truly close again but I cherish those days... when she still loved me, and wasn't afraid to say so.
     So her 18th birthday was a mixed bag day because she was "all grown up" and I knew I wouldn't be seeing her and I knew she didn't care. This year was better than previous years though... I didn't cry this year, for missing her, and I didn't dwell on resentment or bitterness either. I simply wished her a Very Happy Birthday! And I meant it.

     March 14th we had a special celebration of our own. It was a strait-up good day! Why? Because we were celebrating the end of "child support". For approximately 15 years my husband has given money to his ex. I would love to say he gave money to his children but she made it very clear, all those years, that the money was HERS, not theirs! And she did with it, whatever she wanted to do. But that isn't all... no, she was never happy that he found someone to be happy with, after she left him for another man... 8 months pregnant with that other man's baby... No way! She never imagined he would move on with his life, and make a better life that the one they'd had together! She hated me from day one! And she made that very clear too!
     So you see, we weren't just celebrating the end of "child support", because the money was never a blessing to his children anyway... the true blessing he gave his daughters, was his love! We were celebrating the severance of a chain that had kept us shackled to a monster. That's right, I use the word monster! That may seem harsh, but if you only knew the games she played, the lies she told, the manipulation and control she wielded over our family for all those years... well, you might think the word monster is a little to mild...
      So we did something very unusual for us, we splurged! We had a seafood feast! We had lobster, half drowned in butter&garlic for lunch, with a side of home-made onion rings, followed by brownie sundaes! For dinner we had fried fish & scallops, steamed shrimp and seafood chowder! We had his sister over, and we partied! We listened to music, danced around the house, laughed, and had a great time! We were celebrating our new freedom from a tyrant who had plagued us for all these years and we were marking a new beginning! I'd like to say we burned every last shred of evidence of her but it wouldn't be true. The truth is, she will always be around, because she is still the mother of his daughters... but she will never have power over us again. And THAT is worth celebrating!

     March 16th was my brother's birthday... Again, I thought I could get through it with a positive attitude. I am so stupid sometimes! I went through my day with a lump in my throat! I berated myself for being so short sighted as to schedule a dentist appointment for my kids on HIS birthday! Why did I do that?! Why did I lie to myself, trying to convince myself I would just carry on as usual? Stupid.
     I spent the day trying to stay positive, which really just resulted in frustration, pent up emotions and something bordering on anger. I told myself that I missed Josiah EVERY day so why should his birthday be any different?! But it was. I meant to bake a cake to "celebrate" his birthday but by the time I got myself motivated to go to the store for the needed supplies I knew it would be 10pm before the cake was done. So I bought a cake. Naturally it was over-priced because it was gluten free but at that point I didn't care! I brought it home, dressed it up with some whipped cream and strawberries and lit the candles... my boys and I sang Happy Birthday and I surprised myself by making it through, without breaking down! The cake was delicious. But it was bittersweet too because, well... you know why.

     March 30th marks the 14th anniversary of our marriage. There will be nothing "mixed bag" about that day! I feel so blessed that I can honestly say, without a shred of doubt, that marrying my sweet husband was the best decision I ever made! I think I might be the luckiest woman alive!
     He is the love of my life! Such a sweet and gentle man. So full of humor and patience. So kind and supportive. So tuned in to his family's needs. He is hardworking, honest, thoughtful, and generous with his time! He makes me feel cared for, listened to, protected, cherished, appreciated and loved! I am filled with gratitude for all that he has done for me, taught me, and sacrificed for me. My only goal in my marriage to him, is to make him feel the same way!

     So there you have it... a month of ups and downs that would make fruit fly dizzy! I am so thankful for my life and for all the downs that magnify the beauty of the ups! I am thankful for every day on this earth, even the ones you might call, a "mixed bag".

And the Award Goes to...

                 I'm pretty sure I just earned the "Worst Mommy in the World" award... 

I was frustrated when I discovered my son had wet his pants, yet again and tried to pretend he didn't know it. I had already had a rough day and this is such a common occurrence for my 6 year old, that it just sent me over the top! So I told him if he didn't start taking responsibility for his own pee, I would send him away to a school for kids who can't keep their pants dry.

 (Yup! I'll take that award now! )

                 So my sweet little boy starts to tear up and I can see this threat has really affected him and I start to feel really bad about it but I don't want to take it back because in the back of my mind I'm thinking, hmmm... this might work... FAIL! (You are starting to see why I deserve the award, right?)

                So I'm putting him to bed and he is just barely holding back his tears and my heart is breaking! I ask him why he is upset (like I don't know) and he says, "I don't want to go away... I want to stay with you." (Which is when I start to realize, I have really outdone myself in the Mean Mommy category!) His tears start to roll and my heart turns to mush and I gather him up in my arms and make my confession, I tell him, "I am sorry I said that, there really is no such place and I would never send you away because if you ever went away I would cry my eyes out every single day! I will never leave you and I will never let anyone take you away from me! I need your sweet hugs and kisses every day, and will you please forgive me for being a mean Mommy?!!".

                 Johnny, visibly relieved, and not a big crier, wipes furiously at his tears, laughing in his good-natured way, because, "the water just keeps coming out". We hug for a long time and then I tuck him in and read "Guess How Much I Love You", for his bedtime story. Before I leave his room I want to make sure he will sleep peacefully, assured that I will never abandon him, so I tell him to think about the fact that I love him and will never ever send him away and he says, happily, "I can't, because then the water won't stop coming out of my eyes!".

                This kid has my heart all wrapped up. It's his. He can do with it what he wants!

Sigh..... So anyway, about that award....

Waiting patiently for that beautiful reunion...

      This post may seem strange to some, because of the unusual format. I was asked to give a talk before the congregation of my church on, "Preparing Ourselves Spiritually". I just couldn't think of a better reason to be spiritually prepared, than to be ready to reunite with my brother, when my time on this earth is done... This post comes with a warning... if you read through to the end, tears are likely to follow...

                                                                                                                        Feb. 22, 2015

                                                Preparing Ourselves Spiritually

A little over a year ago I stood by my brother’s hospital bed and listened as he was given a blessing… not the healing blessing I had hoped for, but a blessing of comfort and of guidance… in the blessing he was reminded that this life is a time for us to prepare to meet God.

            And so it is…

            In his talk, Spiritual Preparedness: Start Early and Be Steady, Henry B. Eyring, of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles teaches us about becoming spiritually prepared.

Quote: “Most of us have thought about how to prepare for storms. We have seen and felt the suffering of women, men, and children, and of the aged and the weak, caught in hurricanes, tsunamis, wars, and droughts. One reaction is to ask, “How can I be prepared?” And there is a rush to buy and put away whatever people think they might need for the day they might face such calamities.

            But there is another even more important preparation we must make for tests that are certain to come to each of us. That preparation must be started far in advance because it takes time. What we will need then can’t be bought. It can’t be borrowed. It doesn’t store well. And it has to have been used regularly and recently.

            What we will need in our day of testing is a spiritual preparation. It is to have developed faith in Jesus Christ so powerful that we can pass the test of life upon which everything for us in eternity depends. That test is part of the purpose God had for us in the Creation.

            The Prophet Joseph Smith gave us the Lord’s description of the test we face. Our Heavenly Father created the world with His Son, Jesus Christ. We have these words to tell us about the purpose of the Creation: “We will go down, for there is space there, and we will take of these materials, and we will make an earth whereon these may dwell; And we will prove them herewith, to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them.” ¹

            So, the great test of life is to see whether we will hearken to and obey God’s commands in the midst of the storms of life.” End Quote.

In His talk: The Strength to Endure, Elder Richard J. Maynes, Of the Presidency of the Seventy, gives these words of encouragement:

Quote:  “Every morning when we wake up, we face a new day filled with the challenges of life. These challenges come in many forms: physical challenges, financial setbacks, difficulties with relationships, emotional trials, and even struggles with one’s faith.

            Many of the challenges we face in life can be solved and overcome; however, others may be difficult to understand and impossible to overcome and will be with us until we pass on to the next life. As we temporarily endure the challenges we can solve and as we continue to endure the challenges we cannot solve, it is important to remember that the spiritual strength we develop will help us successfully endure all the challenges we face in life.

            Brothers and sisters, we have a loving Heavenly Father who has designed our earthly existence so that we can individually learn the lessons we need to learn to qualify for eternal life in His presence.

            An episode in the life of the Prophet Joseph Smith illustrates this principle. The Prophet and several companions had been prisoners in Liberty, Missouri, for months. While suffering in jail, the Prophet Joseph pled with the Lord in humble prayer that the Saints might be relieved from their current suffering. The Lord responded by teaching the Prophet Joseph, and all of us, that the challenges we face, if successfully endured, will be for our ultimate good. This is the Lord’s response to Joseph’s petition:

“My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;

“And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high.”        

 End Quote.

Elder Maynes later goes on to say: Quote: “Our ability to endure to the end in righteousness will be in direct proportion to the strength of our testimony and the depth of our conversion. When our testimonies are strong and we are truly converted to the gospel of Jesus Christ, our choices will be inspired by the Holy Ghost, they will be Christ-centered, and they will support our desire to endure in righteousness. If our testimonies are weak and our conversion superficial, the risk is much greater that we will be enticed by the false traditions of the world to make poor choices.” End Quote.

And again, from Elder Maynes, Quote:

“We need to develop spiritual stamina. We need strong testimonies that will lead to true conversion, and as a result we will find within ourselves the inner peace and strength needed to endure whatever challenges we may face.

So whatever challenges you wake up to each morning, remember—with the spiritual strength you develop, coupled with the Lord’s help, at the end of the race you will be able to enjoy the confidence that the Apostle Paul expressed when he said:

“For I am now ready to be offered, and the time of my departure is at hand.

“I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith:

“Henceforth there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, shall give me at that day.” End Quote.

I think perhaps, the greatest challenge we undertake while on this earth, is to experience death. Whether it is the death of a loved one, or our own death, it can be a powerful proving ground for the strength or our faith.  We are not born into this life with a bright recollection of our previous spiritual home. As we grow, our awareness of ourselves is awakened. Oftentimes we ask deep and searching questions: Why am I here? Where did I come from? What is my purpose on this earth? What will happen to me when I die? These questions all have answers, but they cannot be found in the wisdom of man. They can only be found in the wisdom of God, through his prophets, the scriptures, fasting and prayer.

            Searching for knowledge and understanding is part of our nature. We are born with a natural curiosity and a yearning to know. This curiosity and yearning, when denied or suppressed, can lead to confusion, bitterness, even anger. Our natural yearning to know the answers to the questions in our lives can lead us to a knowledge that is so powerful, it can transform our souls!

            Some, may not have a desire to know the answers to the great questions of life. They may assume that no one can know, and therefore, it is futile to ask. For them, it is enough, simply to live, to experience life; a certain knowledge may not be a prerequisite of happiness for them. But for every person that will ever live, the questions surrounding death will eventually arise. Without knowledge of God’s eternal plan, death can seem like a terrible ending. Not knowing whether you will see your loved ones again can fill a person with the most exquisite pain. Such pain may seem unending and completely overwhelming. A person who lacks a testimony of God’s plan of Happiness, may feel as if death is a terrible event, the worst sort of punishment one could ever endure.

            I testify to all, that death is part of God’s plan of Happiness for each of his spirit children. In order to pass from this life, into our eternal life, we must experience death. Naturally, our bodies being all we’ve known since our birth, death can seem like a scary thing. We may experience anxiety and sometimes pain, as our earthly bodies prepare to part with our spiritual being. But we need not fear. We need not suffer the anguish of the unknown. We can know all we need to know in order to pass from this life in peace.

            As mortals we are notoriously bad at goodbyes. As part of God’s plan, we quickly become attached to our loved ones on this earth, and often find it frightening, even unthinkable, that we should be parted from them. Any parting is often met with tears, just as meeting again is often a tearful occasion as well. Death can feel so very final. The emotional scars of being parted in such a way are often deep and painful. We may find it difficult to imagine our life without the one we have lost. We yearn to see them, to hold them in our embrace, to see their smile, hear their laugh, feel their presence in our life. Their departure from this world may leave an empty place at our table, in our home, in our heart…

            Grieving for our lost loved ones is natural and acceptable. Even Jesus wept when faced with the death of loved ones. He knew our anguish. He felt our pain. He knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God IS real, that death is a part of God’s great plan of Happiness and that death is only a temporary parting, but still he wept!

            I testify to all who live, that death is only a temporary parting, for those who love God. We need not suffer fear, anxiety, or debilitating grief as we experience the final act of life. We can feel God’s love during that tender, sacred time, when our spirit finally departs this life, to return to our Father In Heaven. We can be comforted by the knowledge that God loves all of his sons and daughters and waits for them with great joy as they return to him when their life on this earth is done.

            When you are faced with death, or with any of life’s great challenges, take heart! God is with you. He loves you more than you can know! He has prepared a way for you to return to him and to see all of your loved ones again. That reunification will be a joyous occasion! Imagine the tears of joy as you embrace your loved ones again!! Imagine that reunion, taking place in the presence of our all-powerful, all-knowing, loving Father in Heaven! Such joy you will never know, until that moment!

            I pray that each of you will prepare yourselves spiritually, to be ready for your great reunion with your loved ones in the presence of God. I pray that you will take comfort in knowing the answers to the great questions of life, as you search for them, and find them, through the whisperings of the spirit, as you search the scriptures, fast, ponder, pray, and study the teachings of the prophets.

            Where there is faith, there is no fear. So fear not, and be comforted. For God will never forsake you. He will never abandon you. He will always be there, quietly waiting for you to ask, for you to search for the answers to the great questions of life; waiting… for you to seek him.

Being spiritually prepared allowed my dear brother to enter into his eternal rest without fear, and being spiritually prepared allowed me to stand beside him as he went, knowing, without a doubt, that he was going to a wonderful place, lovingly prepared for him, by our Father In Heaven.

Being spiritually prepared helped me to accept God’s will in a way that I had never done before. To release my will and accept his will with humility. This allowed me to maintain my relationship with my brother, even from beyond the veil.

Brothers and Sisters, I am filled with gratitude for the experiences in my life that have shaped who I am, building me up, breaking me down, and building me up again, until even I can see the changes taking shape!

I know that God can see in me, more light, more worth, and more potential, than I could ever dream! I know that he sees that great light, worth and potential in each of you, as well!

Never give up! Always look to God, even in the midst of your most trying times! And he will build you up! Trust in him, as he breaks you down, and builds you up again!

Seek his will in your life and do everything you can to be spiritually prepared.

As you do, even you, will begin to see the changes taking place.

God loves you. Every single one.

Of this I testify,

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Lessons in love, from my 6 year old.

     So the other day I decided to make another attempt at teaching my, very active, six year old son to meditate. He is a boy who never stops moving, unless he is asleep! At any given time of the day he can be seen romping through the house, making all manner of interesting sound affects and acting out epic battle scenes or racing up and down the hall, making race car noises. He seems to have boundless energy! He can run circles around me all day long and the later it gets, the more energized he appears to be! On vacation he is the one jumping from bed to bed at 1am, while the rest of us are ready to pass out! He is fun and engaging and creative and sometimes, he can be exhausting!  So, having reaped the rewards of meditation for myself, I thought perhaps my little speed racer could benefit from a few moments off the race track. Our meditation went something like this:

      We started out by sitting on two yoga mats, facing each other. I put on some relaxing music and turned back to my son who immediately slumped over (very dramatically), as if he were asleep. After snapping a quick picture (because he looked so silly, half sitting, half laying down) I coaxed him to sit up again. He did so but then got the urge to hop up and start acting like a cat, bouncing around on all fours, pretending to swat at bugs. He was very convincing.

     I somehow managed to settle him down again but his eyes were roaming all over the place, no doubt trying to find ways to amuse himself while I attempted to teach him something he instinctively knew would be BORING! I decided to ask him a few questions to see if I could bring his awareness inward a little.

     I asked him if he could imagine what he might be like when he was an adult. He said no. I asked him if he could imagine what he would be like when he was his brother's age (13). Again, he said no. I asked him if he could imagine what it would be like to be seven and he shook his head. I decided the future was still a little too obscure for a six year old and asked a question I thought he might be able to relate to better. I asked him to describe what his day would be like, if he could choose any day he wanted. His face lit up! He threw his arms up and out and said, "FREEEEE!".

     I laughed at his enthusiasm and then asked him to elaborate on what a free day would be like for him. He described a day of endless video games, Legos and food! We talked about his day for a minute or two and then I explained my position as his Mom and my obligation as a home-schooling parent, to make sure he was learning every day. Before his eyes glazed over with boredom, I suggested we make a deal: He would spend some time learning what I wanted him to learn and then, he could have the rest of the day, FREE! We shook on it. It was a long conversation, (about 3 minutes altogether)  as conversations with him go, and the whole time I had to resist the urge to scoop him up and cover his adorable little face with kisses!

     Making one last attempt at meditation I asked him to close his eyes and take a deep breath.
Lots of exaggerated huffing and puffing ensued, but I didn't give up and finally, he seemed to give in! He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. I asked him to repeat the words, "I am happy". He cooperated! I asked him to say, "I am peaceful". He repeated that too. I asked him to say, "I love myself" and his is big blue eyes flew open as he said, instead, "I love YOU!". My heart melted a little as I laughed and assured him that I loved him too; but that I would really like for him to say he loves himself! He said again, even more emphatically, "I love YOU!". More laughter and more struggling to stay on task and not get "distracted by his cuteness" (literally one of his quotes!), and assured him that I was glad he loved me, but I really wanted him to say he loved himself as well! He took a deep breath... and said with feeling, "I love you MORE than I love myself!".

     It was one of those moments where nothing else matters anymore! I could no longer resist the urge to scoop him up in my arms! He snuggled in close, his little arms around my neck, his small body pressed against my heart, his sweet kisses peppering my face and I allowed myself to savor the moment before I whispered "I love you more than I love myself, too!".

What are you searching for?

Searching for Gold

         All through history, people have been searching for something. Some desire riches, some, power, and some, like my sons, on a beautiful June day, last year, search for gold. But what is it, really, that we are searching for? 

      My sons hoped to find gold for the excitement of it, and because, lets be honest, who wouldn't want to find gold?!

     But I'm not searching for that kind of Gold... I'm searching for the kind that you can't find in a riverbed. I'm searching for the kind of gold you can't even touch. It's the kind that adds something to your life that can't be measured on a scale. Finding that kind of gold is a passion of mine. I have been searching for it most of my life and I haven't come up empty handed! I've been collecting nuggets for years! 

     There were long periods of time in my life where I searched and found nothing... and sometimes I even gave up searching. But just as I would give up, I'd find just one tiny flake of shining hope and I'd gather the courage to start searching again. 

     Most of my nuggets have come in the form of life's experiences, coupled with humility and faith in God. There have been rough times where I have found myself wading, chin deep, up-stream, and wanting to give up and just float away... but God knew better... he knew my strength; he knew what I needed to experience, in order to help me become who he knew I could be. 

     Sometimes my golden nuggets have come to me through the scriptures, sometimes through other books I've read, sometimes through the words of others or through service. Mostly, my golden nuggets have come through humility, forgiveness, and acceptance of God's will in my life.

     There have been a few times in my life where I have been left destitute; those were the times I had turned my back on God. Those were the darkest times in my life. Times when I really did give up and float downstream... Times when I lost all hope and stopped searching for gold.

     Does that mean there was no gold to be found? Not at all! It's always there, just waiting to be found. Shimmering, shining, nuggets of inspiration, love, knowledge, wisdom, hope, faith and joy!

I just had to keep my head above water and keep paddling! That's all anyone can do. Just keep going when the water gets rough. Don't give up! Eventually you will come to a place where you can touch the bottom again and you will find your footing, and you will haul yourself to the water’s edge where you can rest a while. 

     But don't stop there! Because when you open your eyes again you will see life in a whole new light and the gold you couldn't see before will be gleaming all around you! Riches for the taking! Life to be had! Love to be shared. So figure out what you are searching for and go out there and find it! 

     Oh, and the only way to keep those golden nuggets, once you've found them, is by sharing them with someone else. :)

Minimalism... the journey begins!

     We finally took the tree down today. Yep! We are those people! The ones who put the tree up late in the Christmas season because we are simply too busy, and then leave it up well into January because we love the lights and all the pretty decorations and we just don't want to put it all away!

     So today we finally tackled that job and while we were packing it up we started something new. It's something we have been talking about doing for weeks (and thinking about doing for years) and we finally made up our minds to take the first steps! Today, we began our experiment with minimalism! 

     Side note: Just in case you don't know what minimalism is, it's paring down and thinning out your possessions until you have nothing in your home that isn't of great value to you, doesn't have a proper place in your home, or doesn't have a good use. Minimalism is a way of simplifying and decluttering your life so you can feel and BE more free. Some minimalists challenge themselves to get their possessions down to only 150 items! Or, sometimes they limit themselves to only what can fit in a back pack. I do not intend to become an extreme minimalist but I do intend to drastically reduce the amount of stuff in my home until I am rid of anything that has no use, value or place in my home. I am tired of clutter and ready to free up my life!

     That said, I started with a few things lying around the house that I knew I wanted gone and then went through my Christmas decorations and paraphernalia until I had a total of 67 items to get rid of! Most of the items were easy to part with; the Santa hats that were missing their pom-poms, Christmas decorations that we don't even use on the tree, and other such stuff.

     I was feeling pretty good about my first attempt to purge unwanted belongings... until... Suddenly I came upon an Christmas gift I'd had for over 20 years. It was a plug-in music maker in the shape of a bear, playing the piano. One of my oldest and dearest friends gave it to me when I was just 13 and I have carried it with me since then! The problem with the music maker is that the "music" it makes is, well, annoying! Every time my youngest son turns it on I want to run and hide where I can't hear it! Which is kind of funny because I remember my Dad feeling the same way about it when I first received it and I was annoyed with him because he wouldn't let me play it! (That's karma for ya, right?!) 

    So the thing is loud and annoying and my first thought, when I picked it up, was to quickly put it in the "good-bye" pile before my son saw it and put up a protest. But I wasn't fast enough... to get it past myself! I held it a little to long and I thought about my dear old friend and how she had given it to me, and memories began flooding back and I remembered how much I miss her. 

      Barbara was like a grandmother to me. My little sister and I met her one day, as we searched for our lost dog, in a new town, where we knew no one. She was a crossing guard and because she wore a uniform I instantly distrusted her. I had been raised with a strong distrust for authority figures (Dad's ideology) and Barbara looked serious in her crossing guard uniform and hat. 

     I couldn't have been more wrong! Barbara turned out to be one of the most genuine people I have ever met! She was warm and kind, with a booming voice, a fabulous laugh, and a heavenly hug! Barbara wasn't only the towns most loved crossing guard, she was also the towns best cake maker! She could put together cakes in her overcrowded, under-washed kitchen that "professional" cake makers would've been jealous of! My sisters and I would clear away some of the clutter from Barbara's dining room table and play cards with her while her cakes were baking. She would serve us pretzels and ice cream and let us make prank phone calls on her phone! Then she would mix up a batch of her delicious, secret frosting, and even let us lick the bowl when she was done frosting the cake. 

    Barbara promised my two sisters and I, that when we got married she would make our wedding cakes, and many years later, she kept her promise! Barbara made the most beautiful cakes for my older sister and I, which family members actually picked up from her home in DE and drove to our wedding receptions, in NH and MD! Those cakes were well worth the trouble! Sadly, Barbara died before she could make my younger sister's cake. 

     So there I stood, holding that awful "music" maker in my hand, thinking about Barbara, and how much I missed her and I could not make myself put that thing in the good-bye pile! I told myself it was OK, that I could let it go because I have lots of pictures of Barbara and other gifts she has given me, that were not in the least bit annoying! But I still could not let it go. I showed it to my husband and told him of my dilemma and before I could finish, found myself in tears! I don't know if I was more upset at the thought of letting it go, or because I wanted to let it go and couldn't do it! 

     Naturally my husband, being the softy that he is, told me I didn't have to get rid of it and nobody would make me! Somehow this only made me cry harder. Suddenly I was crying because I missed my dear friend AND my brother, who passed away last year. In all my cleaning out, I found his stocking I made him when he was here for Christmas for the last time... right away I KNEW I was not getting rid of that stocking! It had his name on it. 

     Eventually I got myself together and put the silly music maker back in the keep pile, telling myself, maybe I'll part with it next year... And when all was said and done I was happy with the progress I had made and excited to be moving towards my goal. Unfortunately, the illusion of how easy this process was going to be, is gone now. This is going to be hard. I am going to have to pick up hundreds of things before I am done and ask myself, each time, "Do I need this? Does it serve a purpose? Does it add value to my life?", and if I can't say yes to any of those questions, I am going to have to let it go...  

Wish me luck?! 

     

A True Giver of Gifts

A True Giver of Gifts

     When He left us, he left a legacy that will never be forgotten. My brother was many things; musician, scholar, pilot, captain, sailor, boat builder, fix-it guy, hard-worker, scuba diver, adventurer, traveler, businessman, missionary, protector, peacemaker... He loved to take old broken down classic cars and boats and even a VW bus, and make them look new again. 

     One of his most loved things to do, I think, was to give gifts. Perhaps it was his "love language"? He always gave thoughtfully. He always gave generously. He loved to be with us for Christmas, helping with all the last-minute wrapping and stocking-stuffing duties. He was a tireless giver. Many of his friends have stories of things he did for them, going great lengths to show his love for them, through his service. Even while he fought his battle with cancer, he thought more of others, than himself.

      I myself, received many gifts from my brother; wooden frogs that make music, from Belgium, and beautiful, framed embroidery. He once gave everyone in the family, beautifully handcrafted, wooden boxes for Christmas. I can only guess how many hours he spent making those. Many of his gifts were immeasurable, in terms of value. He gave my children the gift of a truly wonderful and loving uncle. An uncle to look up to. An uncle to emulate. What a special gift! My favorite gifts, and the ones I miss the most, are his laughter and his hugs.  

     You never expect someone so young, and so important to you, to die, like my brother did. He was the oldest of five siblings and we looked to him in every aspect of life, even if we didn't realize it at the time...

     He was a pillar in our family. He was IMPORTANT to us!! And when he lay dying I had an overwhelming feeling that he simply COULD NOT GO because everyone in the world should have a chance to know him first! 

     But he did go, and when he did, he left his painfully ill body behind. I saw the relief in his face. He was glad to go. Not glad to suffer and die, but glad it was over and he could go on to a much better place, free from pain and sorrow. 

     The pain of his suffering and death is a pain I shall never forget. It traumatized me in a way that I never saw coming. I couldn't make sense of it. He didn't deserve to die that way!!! My heart knew agony for the first time and it nearly broke me. 

     But I am not broken. And I am not destroyed. In fact, I am stronger today, than I was before he died... and I would like to tell you why...

     Not long after my brother died, I found a quiet moment to meditate and pray. I was trying to find some peace in the midst of my anguish. This is what I found:

Josiah is not dead.

His spirit, 

his true self, 

lives!

His life was not his own,

it was only on loan

from God.

Josiah never lost his faith

even though I'm sure 

it sometimes wavered.

God grants us all

an unknown amount

of time on this earth.

None of us is here

forever.

Someday, we will all 

finish our time here

and go back to our 

Heavenly Home

with God.

DEATH

IS

A

PART

OF 

LIFE!

     And that's when it hit me, really, really hit me!! That everyone I love, will someday leave this world and return to God. Even me. Even my husband. Even my Children...

And when I die I want to be where they are! I want to be with them again! I don't want to be separated forever from the ones I love! 

     And so I made peace with God. I accepted his will for the first time in my life (really accepted it!) and thanked him, with all of my heart, for the time I have here, for the people he has put into my life! I thanked him for all of the JOY I experience here! For all of the challenges that make me stronger! I even thanked him for the sorrows, because nobody gets a sorrow free life; and I would take all the sorrows for the pure joys I have experienced here!

      I thanked him for the time that I got to spend with my brother, and that I was able to know him, even if the whole world did not... 

      I focus more on gratitude now, rather than loss, and my faith has grown and my heart is comforted! 

     I still deeply miss my brother. I still need him! But I am also happy in knowing that our separation is only temporary. Death does not scare me! When I die, HE will be there, ready with his best gifts... ~laughter and hugs~.

Real change begins in the heart...

         Once upon a time there was an innocent little girl. The little girl had no knowledge of dark and ugly things. She was all smiles. But hardly had she toddled out of her infancy when the darkness came to call. She was injured in a way that leaves a deep and ugly scar. The little girl felt shame for the very first time. She did her best to cover the scar. She didn't want anyone to see it. She kept it a secret. She tried to forget it. But the scar was always there and the little girl grew up with her ugly secret draped over her heart. She struggled through her childhood with feelings of deep depression. She thought about ending her life... often. Finally, when she made up her mind to live, she tried to convince herself that the scar was gone, that what happened to her was no longer important and didn't matter to her anymore... But it did.
         As the girl grew into an adult she found so much to live for! She found love and joy and purpose in her life! But life was not easy. She faced challenges she never thought she would face! She dealt with loss and betrayal, deceit and false accusations. She watched in horror as her well intentioned acts of service were misinterpreted time and time again. She was flooded with feelings of grief, sadness, anger and resentment. She stumbled through life for a while, in a sea of confusion, shrouded by sorrow.
        Then one day, like an evil spell had been lifted, she had a blessed moment of clarity. She saw a fork in the road and she made a choice. She started down a new path. The new path had all the same problems and all the same sorrows, but the way she reacted to them was different. She worked hard to forge ahead. It wasn't easy. She stopped allowing herself to wallow in misery. She started changing her thoughts. She started searching for reasons to laugh, instead of cry. She started changing who she was... and the change began in her heart.
        Many years later, that girl is a woman now... a woman who works tirelessly to stay on the right path. A woman who smiles with her whole being and not just with her mouth. A woman who seeks light and truth wherever she goes. A woman on a mission, to be everything God intended her to be.
        Is she perfect? Certainly not! But she does her very best, to be the best she can be! And wherever she finds truth, light, knowledge and love, she rejoices! Life will never be easy... but every time she finds a spark of what she is searching for, she knows, it is worth it!

Confessions of a wanna be.

     We've all said it, "I want to be a: (insert whatever it is)". For me it's always been multiple things. I want to be a Mom. I want to be a writer. I want to be a morning person! I want to be better at "x y z". Some of these things have actually happened and some may never happen (like being a morning person!). But the desire remains and the yearning to "be" something more than I am, is always there, spurring me on, challenging me to change how I relate to my world.   

     One thing I will never be, is a faker. I won't pretend to be something I'm not. I won't put myself on a pedestal and try to convince people I have more experience, wisdom, wealth, or expertise then they do. I am here to learn. That is my primary focus, in fact. So while I willingly list my interests in my profile, I won't, for a second, promote myself as the authority on anything!

     My hope, as I enter the blogger world for the first time, is to share, connect, and learn from others who are further along in their knowledge quest than I am. One of my favorite pass-times is to listen to ted-talks or youtube videos by people who have something to share. Even those who are not the expert in their chosen subject, can still add value to the conversation. There are so many things to learn and so much to share! I heard a speach on youtube the other day, by a guy who was talking about finding your calling in life (or something along those lines) and he said something like: If you don't share your story, you are being selfish. That really struck a cord with me. There are conversations taking place all over the world, about finding your purpose and calling in life. People are practically obsessed with this conversation! (I know I am!) I love to hear different perspectives on this subject (and many others). I appreciate hearing other people's stories about why they think the way they do, or do the things they do. I think everyone should be part of this conversation. So I guess that's what I really want to be: Someone who adds value to the conversation, and someone who benefits from the value that others add. 

                                                                                                    

Find Peace, Inspiration will follow...

A moment of absolute peace. A turning point caught on camera.

     This moment, caught here on camera, was one of the happiest moments of my life. This moment signifies an ending, a beginning, and a fundamental shift. It was here, in this moment, that my heart found something I had been searching for, for many years... Peace. 

     Taking walks in nature is one of my family's favorite pass-times, something we do to take a break from busy-ness and re-set. We love the physical exertion, the beauty of the scenery, and the feeling of just being together-no distractions.

     But this was no ordinary walk in the woods. This day was different. This day was the day I let go of something that wasn't good for me and fully grasped something that was! This day I let go of the customary musings about unresolved troubles and allowed myself to become fully immersed in the joy of the moment! 

     Walking down that path, I shed years of sadness, resentment, anger, and grief, over things that were beyond my control, and found myself brimming with gratitude! As I walked, listening to the chatter of my little boys, happily bantering with their quick-witted, gentle-hearted father, staring out over the water; perfectly calm except for the occasional surfacing of a curious beaver, hearing the birds in the trees, noticing the sunlight filtering through their branches, casting dappled sunspots on the soft forest floor; I felt a sense of elation swelling up inside my heart and from somewhere in my soul I heard the words: "My cup runneth over!"... And I knew it was true.