What are you searching for?

Searching for Gold

         All through history, people have been searching for something. Some desire riches, some, power, and some, like my sons, on a beautiful June day, last year, search for gold. But what is it, really, that we are searching for? 

      My sons hoped to find gold for the excitement of it, and because, lets be honest, who wouldn't want to find gold?!

     But I'm not searching for that kind of Gold... I'm searching for the kind that you can't find in a riverbed. I'm searching for the kind of gold you can't even touch. It's the kind that adds something to your life that can't be measured on a scale. Finding that kind of gold is a passion of mine. I have been searching for it most of my life and I haven't come up empty handed! I've been collecting nuggets for years! 

     There were long periods of time in my life where I searched and found nothing... and sometimes I even gave up searching. But just as I would give up, I'd find just one tiny flake of shining hope and I'd gather the courage to start searching again. 

     Most of my nuggets have come in the form of life's experiences, coupled with humility and faith in God. There have been rough times where I have found myself wading, chin deep, up-stream, and wanting to give up and just float away... but God knew better... he knew my strength; he knew what I needed to experience, in order to help me become who he knew I could be. 

     Sometimes my golden nuggets have come to me through the scriptures, sometimes through other books I've read, sometimes through the words of others or through service. Mostly, my golden nuggets have come through humility, forgiveness, and acceptance of God's will in my life.

     There have been a few times in my life where I have been left destitute; those were the times I had turned my back on God. Those were the darkest times in my life. Times when I really did give up and float downstream... Times when I lost all hope and stopped searching for gold.

     Does that mean there was no gold to be found? Not at all! It's always there, just waiting to be found. Shimmering, shining, nuggets of inspiration, love, knowledge, wisdom, hope, faith and joy!

I just had to keep my head above water and keep paddling! That's all anyone can do. Just keep going when the water gets rough. Don't give up! Eventually you will come to a place where you can touch the bottom again and you will find your footing, and you will haul yourself to the water’s edge where you can rest a while. 

     But don't stop there! Because when you open your eyes again you will see life in a whole new light and the gold you couldn't see before will be gleaming all around you! Riches for the taking! Life to be had! Love to be shared. So figure out what you are searching for and go out there and find it! 

     Oh, and the only way to keep those golden nuggets, once you've found them, is by sharing them with someone else. :)

Minimalism... the journey begins!

     We finally took the tree down today. Yep! We are those people! The ones who put the tree up late in the Christmas season because we are simply too busy, and then leave it up well into January because we love the lights and all the pretty decorations and we just don't want to put it all away!

     So today we finally tackled that job and while we were packing it up we started something new. It's something we have been talking about doing for weeks (and thinking about doing for years) and we finally made up our minds to take the first steps! Today, we began our experiment with minimalism! 

     Side note: Just in case you don't know what minimalism is, it's paring down and thinning out your possessions until you have nothing in your home that isn't of great value to you, doesn't have a proper place in your home, or doesn't have a good use. Minimalism is a way of simplifying and decluttering your life so you can feel and BE more free. Some minimalists challenge themselves to get their possessions down to only 150 items! Or, sometimes they limit themselves to only what can fit in a back pack. I do not intend to become an extreme minimalist but I do intend to drastically reduce the amount of stuff in my home until I am rid of anything that has no use, value or place in my home. I am tired of clutter and ready to free up my life!

     That said, I started with a few things lying around the house that I knew I wanted gone and then went through my Christmas decorations and paraphernalia until I had a total of 67 items to get rid of! Most of the items were easy to part with; the Santa hats that were missing their pom-poms, Christmas decorations that we don't even use on the tree, and other such stuff.

     I was feeling pretty good about my first attempt to purge unwanted belongings... until... Suddenly I came upon an Christmas gift I'd had for over 20 years. It was a plug-in music maker in the shape of a bear, playing the piano. One of my oldest and dearest friends gave it to me when I was just 13 and I have carried it with me since then! The problem with the music maker is that the "music" it makes is, well, annoying! Every time my youngest son turns it on I want to run and hide where I can't hear it! Which is kind of funny because I remember my Dad feeling the same way about it when I first received it and I was annoyed with him because he wouldn't let me play it! (That's karma for ya, right?!) 

    So the thing is loud and annoying and my first thought, when I picked it up, was to quickly put it in the "good-bye" pile before my son saw it and put up a protest. But I wasn't fast enough... to get it past myself! I held it a little to long and I thought about my dear old friend and how she had given it to me, and memories began flooding back and I remembered how much I miss her. 

      Barbara was like a grandmother to me. My little sister and I met her one day, as we searched for our lost dog, in a new town, where we knew no one. She was a crossing guard and because she wore a uniform I instantly distrusted her. I had been raised with a strong distrust for authority figures (Dad's ideology) and Barbara looked serious in her crossing guard uniform and hat. 

     I couldn't have been more wrong! Barbara turned out to be one of the most genuine people I have ever met! She was warm and kind, with a booming voice, a fabulous laugh, and a heavenly hug! Barbara wasn't only the towns most loved crossing guard, she was also the towns best cake maker! She could put together cakes in her overcrowded, under-washed kitchen that "professional" cake makers would've been jealous of! My sisters and I would clear away some of the clutter from Barbara's dining room table and play cards with her while her cakes were baking. She would serve us pretzels and ice cream and let us make prank phone calls on her phone! Then she would mix up a batch of her delicious, secret frosting, and even let us lick the bowl when she was done frosting the cake. 

    Barbara promised my two sisters and I, that when we got married she would make our wedding cakes, and many years later, she kept her promise! Barbara made the most beautiful cakes for my older sister and I, which family members actually picked up from her home in DE and drove to our wedding receptions, in NH and MD! Those cakes were well worth the trouble! Sadly, Barbara died before she could make my younger sister's cake. 

     So there I stood, holding that awful "music" maker in my hand, thinking about Barbara, and how much I missed her and I could not make myself put that thing in the good-bye pile! I told myself it was OK, that I could let it go because I have lots of pictures of Barbara and other gifts she has given me, that were not in the least bit annoying! But I still could not let it go. I showed it to my husband and told him of my dilemma and before I could finish, found myself in tears! I don't know if I was more upset at the thought of letting it go, or because I wanted to let it go and couldn't do it! 

     Naturally my husband, being the softy that he is, told me I didn't have to get rid of it and nobody would make me! Somehow this only made me cry harder. Suddenly I was crying because I missed my dear friend AND my brother, who passed away last year. In all my cleaning out, I found his stocking I made him when he was here for Christmas for the last time... right away I KNEW I was not getting rid of that stocking! It had his name on it. 

     Eventually I got myself together and put the silly music maker back in the keep pile, telling myself, maybe I'll part with it next year... And when all was said and done I was happy with the progress I had made and excited to be moving towards my goal. Unfortunately, the illusion of how easy this process was going to be, is gone now. This is going to be hard. I am going to have to pick up hundreds of things before I am done and ask myself, each time, "Do I need this? Does it serve a purpose? Does it add value to my life?", and if I can't say yes to any of those questions, I am going to have to let it go...  

Wish me luck?! 

     

A True Giver of Gifts

A True Giver of Gifts

     When He left us, he left a legacy that will never be forgotten. My brother was many things; musician, scholar, pilot, captain, sailor, boat builder, fix-it guy, hard-worker, scuba diver, adventurer, traveler, businessman, missionary, protector, peacemaker... He loved to take old broken down classic cars and boats and even a VW bus, and make them look new again. 

     One of his most loved things to do, I think, was to give gifts. Perhaps it was his "love language"? He always gave thoughtfully. He always gave generously. He loved to be with us for Christmas, helping with all the last-minute wrapping and stocking-stuffing duties. He was a tireless giver. Many of his friends have stories of things he did for them, going great lengths to show his love for them, through his service. Even while he fought his battle with cancer, he thought more of others, than himself.

      I myself, received many gifts from my brother; wooden frogs that make music, from Belgium, and beautiful, framed embroidery. He once gave everyone in the family, beautifully handcrafted, wooden boxes for Christmas. I can only guess how many hours he spent making those. Many of his gifts were immeasurable, in terms of value. He gave my children the gift of a truly wonderful and loving uncle. An uncle to look up to. An uncle to emulate. What a special gift! My favorite gifts, and the ones I miss the most, are his laughter and his hugs.  

     You never expect someone so young, and so important to you, to die, like my brother did. He was the oldest of five siblings and we looked to him in every aspect of life, even if we didn't realize it at the time...

     He was a pillar in our family. He was IMPORTANT to us!! And when he lay dying I had an overwhelming feeling that he simply COULD NOT GO because everyone in the world should have a chance to know him first! 

     But he did go, and when he did, he left his painfully ill body behind. I saw the relief in his face. He was glad to go. Not glad to suffer and die, but glad it was over and he could go on to a much better place, free from pain and sorrow. 

     The pain of his suffering and death is a pain I shall never forget. It traumatized me in a way that I never saw coming. I couldn't make sense of it. He didn't deserve to die that way!!! My heart knew agony for the first time and it nearly broke me. 

     But I am not broken. And I am not destroyed. In fact, I am stronger today, than I was before he died... and I would like to tell you why...

     Not long after my brother died, I found a quiet moment to meditate and pray. I was trying to find some peace in the midst of my anguish. This is what I found:

Josiah is not dead.

His spirit, 

his true self, 

lives!

His life was not his own,

it was only on loan

from God.

Josiah never lost his faith

even though I'm sure 

it sometimes wavered.

God grants us all

an unknown amount

of time on this earth.

None of us is here

forever.

Someday, we will all 

finish our time here

and go back to our 

Heavenly Home

with God.

DEATH

IS

A

PART

OF 

LIFE!

     And that's when it hit me, really, really hit me!! That everyone I love, will someday leave this world and return to God. Even me. Even my husband. Even my Children...

And when I die I want to be where they are! I want to be with them again! I don't want to be separated forever from the ones I love! 

     And so I made peace with God. I accepted his will for the first time in my life (really accepted it!) and thanked him, with all of my heart, for the time I have here, for the people he has put into my life! I thanked him for all of the JOY I experience here! For all of the challenges that make me stronger! I even thanked him for the sorrows, because nobody gets a sorrow free life; and I would take all the sorrows for the pure joys I have experienced here!

      I thanked him for the time that I got to spend with my brother, and that I was able to know him, even if the whole world did not... 

      I focus more on gratitude now, rather than loss, and my faith has grown and my heart is comforted! 

     I still deeply miss my brother. I still need him! But I am also happy in knowing that our separation is only temporary. Death does not scare me! When I die, HE will be there, ready with his best gifts... ~laughter and hugs~.

Real change begins in the heart...

         Once upon a time there was an innocent little girl. The little girl had no knowledge of dark and ugly things. She was all smiles. But hardly had she toddled out of her infancy when the darkness came to call. She was injured in a way that leaves a deep and ugly scar. The little girl felt shame for the very first time. She did her best to cover the scar. She didn't want anyone to see it. She kept it a secret. She tried to forget it. But the scar was always there and the little girl grew up with her ugly secret draped over her heart. She struggled through her childhood with feelings of deep depression. She thought about ending her life... often. Finally, when she made up her mind to live, she tried to convince herself that the scar was gone, that what happened to her was no longer important and didn't matter to her anymore... But it did.
         As the girl grew into an adult she found so much to live for! She found love and joy and purpose in her life! But life was not easy. She faced challenges she never thought she would face! She dealt with loss and betrayal, deceit and false accusations. She watched in horror as her well intentioned acts of service were misinterpreted time and time again. She was flooded with feelings of grief, sadness, anger and resentment. She stumbled through life for a while, in a sea of confusion, shrouded by sorrow.
        Then one day, like an evil spell had been lifted, she had a blessed moment of clarity. She saw a fork in the road and she made a choice. She started down a new path. The new path had all the same problems and all the same sorrows, but the way she reacted to them was different. She worked hard to forge ahead. It wasn't easy. She stopped allowing herself to wallow in misery. She started changing her thoughts. She started searching for reasons to laugh, instead of cry. She started changing who she was... and the change began in her heart.
        Many years later, that girl is a woman now... a woman who works tirelessly to stay on the right path. A woman who smiles with her whole being and not just with her mouth. A woman who seeks light and truth wherever she goes. A woman on a mission, to be everything God intended her to be.
        Is she perfect? Certainly not! But she does her very best, to be the best she can be! And wherever she finds truth, light, knowledge and love, she rejoices! Life will never be easy... but every time she finds a spark of what she is searching for, she knows, it is worth it!

Confessions of a wanna be.

     We've all said it, "I want to be a: (insert whatever it is)". For me it's always been multiple things. I want to be a Mom. I want to be a writer. I want to be a morning person! I want to be better at "x y z". Some of these things have actually happened and some may never happen (like being a morning person!). But the desire remains and the yearning to "be" something more than I am, is always there, spurring me on, challenging me to change how I relate to my world.   

     One thing I will never be, is a faker. I won't pretend to be something I'm not. I won't put myself on a pedestal and try to convince people I have more experience, wisdom, wealth, or expertise then they do. I am here to learn. That is my primary focus, in fact. So while I willingly list my interests in my profile, I won't, for a second, promote myself as the authority on anything!

     My hope, as I enter the blogger world for the first time, is to share, connect, and learn from others who are further along in their knowledge quest than I am. One of my favorite pass-times is to listen to ted-talks or youtube videos by people who have something to share. Even those who are not the expert in their chosen subject, can still add value to the conversation. There are so many things to learn and so much to share! I heard a speach on youtube the other day, by a guy who was talking about finding your calling in life (or something along those lines) and he said something like: If you don't share your story, you are being selfish. That really struck a cord with me. There are conversations taking place all over the world, about finding your purpose and calling in life. People are practically obsessed with this conversation! (I know I am!) I love to hear different perspectives on this subject (and many others). I appreciate hearing other people's stories about why they think the way they do, or do the things they do. I think everyone should be part of this conversation. So I guess that's what I really want to be: Someone who adds value to the conversation, and someone who benefits from the value that others add. 

                                                                                                    

Find Peace, Inspiration will follow...

A moment of absolute peace. A turning point caught on camera.

     This moment, caught here on camera, was one of the happiest moments of my life. This moment signifies an ending, a beginning, and a fundamental shift. It was here, in this moment, that my heart found something I had been searching for, for many years... Peace. 

     Taking walks in nature is one of my family's favorite pass-times, something we do to take a break from busy-ness and re-set. We love the physical exertion, the beauty of the scenery, and the feeling of just being together-no distractions.

     But this was no ordinary walk in the woods. This day was different. This day was the day I let go of something that wasn't good for me and fully grasped something that was! This day I let go of the customary musings about unresolved troubles and allowed myself to become fully immersed in the joy of the moment! 

     Walking down that path, I shed years of sadness, resentment, anger, and grief, over things that were beyond my control, and found myself brimming with gratitude! As I walked, listening to the chatter of my little boys, happily bantering with their quick-witted, gentle-hearted father, staring out over the water; perfectly calm except for the occasional surfacing of a curious beaver, hearing the birds in the trees, noticing the sunlight filtering through their branches, casting dappled sunspots on the soft forest floor; I felt a sense of elation swelling up inside my heart and from somewhere in my soul I heard the words: "My cup runneth over!"... And I knew it was true.