This month has been full of milestones and anniversaries... Some have been joyful, others have brought sorrow and some have been a "mixed bag".
March 2nd was the 1 year anniversary of my brother's death. He would have been 39. I knew it was coming but not what to expect. As it turns out it was a "mixed bag" occasion. I woke that morning feeling optimistic and determined to "make it a great day", as Josiah used to say on his answering machine...
Then I made the mistake of attempting to meditate (which normally is a good thing) and my mind seemed determined to relive that day, one year ago, when he took his last breath on this earth. Josiah's death was painful to live through and painful to relive and once I realized my meditation had gone horribly off course it was too late to salvage my thoughts. I retreated to my bed, where I stayed for several hours... unable to face the reality of life without him in it.
There I lay, sleeping on and off, for the better part of the day, until my sweet husband and my youngest son, brought me "breakfast" in bed.
Well, who can stay sad when staring into two sets of blue eyes, presenting you with their love on a china plate!
Later that day my family members, scattered across the US, as well as several of Josiah's friends, lit candles at 6:28pm, sunset, and shared texts and pics, filled with messages of love for each other; all remembering Josiah together and in doing so, strengthening our bonds with each other. It was the first time I have seen my 13 year old cry for his uncle, whom he was very close to and whom he prayed for, daily, for many years... it was a sweet, sad, love filled memorial...
March 10th was another "mixed bag" occasion. My youngest step-daughter turned 18! Yes, I know, birthdays should be happy days but any mom (or step-mom) will tell you, the birthdays of our children are definitely "mixed bag" days!
She was only 3 years old when I met her. Tiny. Sweet. Funny. Articulate. Adorable! I loved her immediately, without reservation! It wasn't hard! She made it easy. Picture a tiny blue eyed cherub, pig-tails bouncing, presenting you with a little wildflower, and announcing: "This is so you can marry Daddy!". Yes, it was easy to love her!
But life as a step-mom was never easy. So many challenges... so many heartaches... We were close until the year she turned 13. Then everything changed and has never been the same. I don't know if we will ever be truly close again but I cherish those days... when she still loved me, and wasn't afraid to say so.
So her 18th birthday was a mixed bag day because she was "all grown up" and I knew I wouldn't be seeing her and I knew she didn't care. This year was better than previous years though... I didn't cry this year, for missing her, and I didn't dwell on resentment or bitterness either. I simply wished her a Very Happy Birthday! And I meant it.
March 14th we had a special celebration of our own. It was a strait-up good day! Why? Because we were celebrating the end of "child support". For approximately 15 years my husband has given money to his ex. I would love to say he gave money to his children but she made it very clear, all those years, that the money was HERS, not theirs! And she did with it, whatever she wanted to do. But that isn't all... no, she was never happy that he found someone to be happy with, after she left him for another man... 8 months pregnant with that other man's baby... No way! She never imagined he would move on with his life, and make a better life that the one they'd had together! She hated me from day one! And she made that very clear too!
So you see, we weren't just celebrating the end of "child support", because the money was never a blessing to his children anyway... the true blessing he gave his daughters, was his love! We were celebrating the severance of a chain that had kept us shackled to a monster. That's right, I use the word monster! That may seem harsh, but if you only knew the games she played, the lies she told, the manipulation and control she wielded over our family for all those years... well, you might think the word monster is a little to mild...
So we did something very unusual for us, we splurged! We had a seafood feast! We had lobster, half drowned in butter&garlic for lunch, with a side of home-made onion rings, followed by brownie sundaes! For dinner we had fried fish & scallops, steamed shrimp and seafood chowder! We had his sister over, and we partied! We listened to music, danced around the house, laughed, and had a great time! We were celebrating our new freedom from a tyrant who had plagued us for all these years and we were marking a new beginning! I'd like to say we burned every last shred of evidence of her but it wouldn't be true. The truth is, she will always be around, because she is still the mother of his daughters... but she will never have power over us again. And THAT is worth celebrating!
March 16th was my brother's birthday... Again, I thought I could get through it with a positive attitude. I am so stupid sometimes! I went through my day with a lump in my throat! I berated myself for being so short sighted as to schedule a dentist appointment for my kids on HIS birthday! Why did I do that?! Why did I lie to myself, trying to convince myself I would just carry on as usual? Stupid.
I spent the day trying to stay positive, which really just resulted in frustration, pent up emotions and something bordering on anger. I told myself that I missed Josiah EVERY day so why should his birthday be any different?! But it was. I meant to bake a cake to "celebrate" his birthday but by the time I got myself motivated to go to the store for the needed supplies I knew it would be 10pm before the cake was done. So I bought a cake. Naturally it was over-priced because it was gluten free but at that point I didn't care! I brought it home, dressed it up with some whipped cream and strawberries and lit the candles... my boys and I sang Happy Birthday and I surprised myself by making it through, without breaking down! The cake was delicious. But it was bittersweet too because, well... you know why.
March 30th marks the 14th anniversary of our marriage. There will be nothing "mixed bag" about that day! I feel so blessed that I can honestly say, without a shred of doubt, that marrying my sweet husband was the best decision I ever made! I think I might be the luckiest woman alive!
He is the love of my life! Such a sweet and gentle man. So full of humor and patience. So kind and supportive. So tuned in to his family's needs. He is hardworking, honest, thoughtful, and generous with his time! He makes me feel cared for, listened to, protected, cherished, appreciated and loved! I am filled with gratitude for all that he has done for me, taught me, and sacrificed for me. My only goal in my marriage to him, is to make him feel the same way!
So there you have it... a month of ups and downs that would make fruit fly dizzy! I am so thankful for my life and for all the downs that magnify the beauty of the ups! I am thankful for every day on this earth, even the ones you might call, a "mixed bag".
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